Bringing a newborn into the world is nothing short of a miracle. Here’s this wonderful infant, nurtured by mother in the womb for 9 months, sheltered and literally held close 24/7. We make all these plans from deciding what the nursery will look like, to where we anticipate our precious child attending college.
At infancy we can control everything our child sees, hears, does, eats and experiences. We are in total control and have the best of intentions. I was 27 when my first child was born and determined to be the best mom. No drugs for f or the delivery, cloth diapers, breast feeding; I even made his own baby food. I chose toys that were sometimes gender neutral, though this boy had a love of trucks before he even knew what they were. No toy guns. No mass produced coloring books, or toys/clothes/books that were advertising gimmicks in disguise, ie: no Disney (I make an exception for Winnie the Pooh), or other Product-oriented items, and they were far fewer 29 years ago.
We did allow a little television, mostly Sesame Street and some Nickelodeon shows which we watched with him. I even bought him a doll when I was pregnant with his younger brother. He named it “Bunky Bob”-though where that came from I have no clue.
It might look like I was a controlling naive mother who sheltered her child. Not really, we played with others at a mothers’ morning out and when he was 4 we enrolled him in a University-run cooperative school… where they didn’t use coloring books, or TV or media driven materials. It was wonderful and it made me feel good.
But along came kindergarten in another state, a public school in an area where the local culture and values were very different from mine. And, there’s where it all came crashing down. His new best friend had a rat-tail, remember that look? And, the only child, he had dozens of action figures! Transformers and creepy hulky looking characters. After school this kid sat glued in front of the television watching stuff like Transformers and any other thing that happened to be on. His mother didn’t care about the same things I did.
It’s pretty hard to stand firm to your decisions and try to explain to a child why they can’t have a t-shirt with a picture of The Hulk on it without condemning or making negative statements about the other kid who has….. (fill in the blank). You come off looking like a snob or a prude or whatever. Yet it happens and it’s going to happen to you.
Peer pressure is subtle and insidious. And, it starts the minute your children play with others and begin to see differences. Susie screams to get what she wants and mom always gives in so your child mimics that behavior. They start the comparing game and the I’m deprived , all the other kids have.… stuff. Standing one’s ground is challenging, but ultimately worth it.
We managed to navigate those early years by learning what we could and couldn’t control. And, when to bend the rules a little. There were times when No remained a No and we faced door slamming and tears and “you don’t love me” times. He’s 29 now and he seems to have forgotten most of that. And, ironically he’s in the military, so the “no toy guns” thing backfired on me, big time.
Looking back I think we did the right thing. Though when the prospective kindergarten teacher told me my son was “Delayed” because he didn’t know how to color in the lines I was furious. My explanation that he had not been forced to copy others suggestions but given free rein to create his own art didn’t carry me very far. She looked down at me as if not having coloring books was a major parenting flaw. I looked down at her as being dull and not very creative. He ended up in a different school.
Are you prepared for the changes that will naturally take place as your child moves farther and farther away from your sphere of influence? It comes slowly, that first time your toddler takes his first few steps he’s on his way to independence. Our role as parents is to be the consistent, stable influence they can come back to; the parent who will tend to the boo-boo, console when things go wrong, and listen when they turn to us, again, later in their childhood or teen years for advice. It’s worth every minute , every little bit of heartache. I’d do it all over again, though this time I might buy the baby food at the store.
Photo by Methyl_lives @ flickr.com
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